tehloaf

This one got a little bit explicit. But only a little teensy bit.

( A short story I thought of today in the shower. )

I had a weird experience today. I was eating dissapointingly sparse tacos at the movie theater taco bell after not being able to see Juno for the SECOND time (even though this time we could've seen it but my friends just didn't want to sit in the front row.... grrrr...) and I was talking with Kirk's friend Lena, asking how her Christmas was, etc. And then she asked me "How was your Christmas?"

And I didn't know how to answer. I stopped eating and thought about it for a full minute. And It was actually really tough to work through. Now this year (while still being depressing as usual) was a wildly unorthodox Christmas for me. Aside from the usual loneliness, unwanted driving instruction, and family infighting, it was upsetting in new and different ways. For example, my sister bitched and shouted like mad because she didn't like where the tree was going. Even though we've put it there five years in a row. So it ended up in the front hallway, on the tile floor (so she gets to see it, she says.). But when we opened our presents Christmas morning, we opened them downstairs in the basement where the tree normally goes... only without the tree.... it was spectacularly awful. Very few presents (which I don't mind, because I got the only thing I wanted, it just kind of killed the magic more.) Almost no unwrapping, no excitement, no nothing. It ... was horrible. Christmas has never felt more dead. And I knew what I was getting. The innocence was destroyed. The depression was palpable.

But then, my sister had to work, and didn't come with us on the usual trip to my Uncle's place. Which was WONDERFUL! No bitching, no complaining, no ignoring my Dad with her headphones in, nothing! It was tranquil and peaceful the whole way there, and WHILE I was there I had a fantastic time hanging out with my cousin and playing guitar, and hanging out with my Dad and Aunt and Uncle, all of whom I learned a lot about. But it was great! I had an amazingly intellectual discussion with all of them about colour that went on for about two hours, then I heard some teenage stories, and THEN we went downstairs so my Dad and I could critique my Uncle's photographs. He's got a nice digital SLR and is a bit of a photography guy. And it's cool because he's just gotten into it over the past few years, so he's still learning.

But the best part about it was I really felt a sense of accomplishment and of growth, because I realized i've learned so much from working in film and going to school that I actually had interesting, relevant things to say about his photos, and he really took my comments to heart and really valued what I had to say, and I've never felt more adult or more accepted around adults in my life. But I was able to connect with my Dad and my Uncle in a way i've never been able to before and it was a truly profound and wonderful experience. I was very happy.

The thing that made this question difficult is that, It was still an effort to determine whether or not that outweighed the depression of the Holidays. Because as amazing as it was, I still just feel so alone and so empty. And I have no one to share these feelings and discoveries with. And I mean, I share them with my friends, yeah, but it's not the same as when you talk to someone you love. It might be silly, but i'm so in love with being in love. And I never feel more alone that around Christmas. I just feel like I have so much love to give but no one who I can share those feelings with. It's ... frustrating.

I was thinking about this as I went to bed last night in the spare room in my Uncles house and I had a recurring dream/fantasy that i've had many times before. This one's probably pretty common.

I'm at the edge of a cliff/pit/ocean/pool of sharks/train tracks/miscellaneous peril, and the girl I love is going to slip, and be killed. And though I nearly kill myself doing it, I fight off whatever it takes, whatever excess exertion is required, and just dedicate every ounce of me to saving her. But here's where it's different from the usual heroic fantasy... I don't do it for the whole, "Oh how could I ever repay you, your my hero." speech... I really just want to prove to myself (and the girl of my dreams) that she is worth absolutely every personal sacrifice, every ounce of will, every last fraction of strength in my body, and that NONE of it matters against her life. And just being able to be that free of inhibition makes me feel unbelievable. I think when I fall for someone I fall pretty hard... but like... that I think is my ultimate goal. I want whoever I end up with to know that that's what they mean to me. That there is no greater thing in my life, nothing else that I value as much as her. And that she's worth everything to me.

And I mean... I don't require that kind of dedication in return. I'm not going to turn my nose up because she wouldn't do the same for me. It takes a certain mind-set to think that way and i'm not so sure everyone's gung ho about it. But I just want to be loved. There's a great quote I read once, can't remember who said it. But it was said quietly in conversation when most people sort of glazed over it...

"We all want to be wanted."

And I think that encapsulates human existence perfectly.

Well it's 6:39 in the A.M. I think that's my cue to go to sleep. Maybe i'll meet the girl of my dreams again tonight. er. this morning.

*sigh*

Where are you?

Ah. Just watched 13 episodes of Scryed with Chris in one sitting. I miss watching Anime! God that was awesome. Lol and i've discovered that i'm so used to "Sunglasses" as a ringtone that now when I hear it on my computer, I immediatley think my phone is ringing. Oh, me.

Falling into a trap with a sexy lure.

That is probably the best song title ever. I found out later it's actually not the title of the song, it's a mistranslation of the title. The real title is: A left foot trapped in a sexual seduction.

Not nearly as good.

I often feel like i'm falling into a trap with a sexy lure. Almost any time I get involved with any girl, or even before I get involved. Just when I think I like someone, I always think the worst. I always think any little sign I BELIEVE to be there, is actually just my own misperception. I think it's all a trap. I think it comes from being rejected so many time. Which is kinda unfortunate, automatically distrusting anything females do... never knowing what to believe, or what to accept. It's made it so that i can't read girls at all. Well, when it comes to "Does she like me that way". I like to think i'm pretty competent at reading people otherwise. Or maybe it's just the girls i get involved with. Maybe they've all been coincidentally confusing humans. Hah. Not likely.

Then again, with my luck...

I guess you never know. Man, this is the first time i've written in here since I got back from L.A. I kinda miss being there. Life isn't so hectic. It seems like there's always something going on all of a sudden. As soon as I got back I was PLUNGED into my regular 'hanging-out-every-second-of-waking-life' routine. Which I love, but it was crazy to adjust to that all of a sudden. There was no 'easing-into-it' period. You know?

It looks like i'm getting a Dodge Stealth. I need a car now that i've got this gig in St. Catherines. Working with Jeff Seymour from Jeff Ltd. has been pretty neat so far, and i'm really excited about this pilot for this TV show we're shooting. The cool thing is, if it takes off and he's able to sell it in the U.S. he's gonna make Brock and I the floor directors! We'll have our own show!!!

But in the meantime, I need to be able to get to and from St. Catherines to shoot this pilot. And to work on this feature i'd like to try to get off the ground. It's gonna take place down there too. And I can't carry all my film equipment on the bike. Thus, une car is necessary. I always feel like i'm spelling necessary wrong. Huh. Just like odyssey. I can never fuckin' get that one right. I'm pretty good with spelling overall, but those two words give me trouble every time.

I've got to shoot a bat mitzvah tomorow. Never been to one before. I was supposed to get a camera light from complete film for the shoot, but I called them and there was no one available. So difficult for one stupid little light.

Do you ever wonder why? Like... Why certain things are the way they are? Like... Have you ever just wanted someone to come along and explain why something is like... something? I do sometimes. Why am I so attached to anime? I don't know why... it so... weird. It's just drawings from someone's imagination. But like... i've always identified with anime characters more so than real people. I don't know why. Maybe because at the stage of my life when I started watching it, I spent more time with it than I did with people. But like... I identified with Shinji from Evangelion SO MUCH when i was 14. We were the same age, we'd both lost our mothers, we both had strange relationships with our fathers who we didn't know very well, we were both propelled into a situation we knew nothing about away from all our friends, against our will. And I always thought about him, "What would shinji do in this situation?" things like that. I'd wonder what he was doing in his own little universe inside Evangelion, the show. Wondering how real he was. Maybe in another dimension, or another reality, he's a real person. And he watches a show about me. My show'd be boring though :)

And anime girls. I don't understand how they are so attractive. They're just drawings, and voice actresses. I don't get it. But like, i often find myself more attracted to anime girls than real girls. People in real life don't excite me the way Asuka or Rei or Misato do. No one is as much of a wildling or a temptress as Faye. Even Lucy from Elfen Lied, who's a total schizophrenic psycopathic killer, I can see myself falling in love with. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? Am I fucking crazy? I don't understand! But these girls just seem so... cool. I just wanna hang out with one. In the summer, by the train tracks, while the sun sets, and the cicadas chirp. I think if i could have one wish, it'd be to be put into an anime, so I could meet an anime chick. And I don't mean the stereotypical, busty, heroine types. I mean people like Hinata, or like Ritsuko's assistant, Maya, or Rei, or Haruko. I like the little ones, the cute ones, the shy ones, and the crazy, eccentric ones. Like Maho, from Beck. I'd like to spend a day with her.

I remember when I was thirteen, I had the biggest crush on Rei. I would have crazy, frighteningly vivd dreams where I would exert myself physically, and mentally, to the point of collapse, just to save Rei's life. Climbing mountains, fighting people, concentrating on things, enduring freezing cold in the snow, outside of massive steel doors. So many trials, but I consoled myself with "Don't worry, it's all for Rei."

Looking back on this now, it seems almost unhealthy :S

But I was OBSESSED. And like, I still feel attracted to her. Not as crazily, of course. But man. I don't know why. There are real girls all around, why are girls like Rei so much more appealing?

Maybe it's because some part of my brain knows that we'll never meet, and thus, she could never hurt me.

But when I was younger, I never gave up the idea that somehow, our universes would meet through some dimensional rift, or in the afterlife I would meet her, or something.

So maybe not.

Do I sound insane? I wonder that sometimes. I don't think i'm crazy, but hey, most crazy people probably don't think they're crazy either.

God, I want to fall in love this summer. All around me, the life, the blooming, the warmth, the late-night sunsets, being out on the bike, walking out late in sandals. It pulls on my heart. I want to meet someone new. I want to feel that connection in my heart. I want to fall in love again. I want to spend time with someone just for the sake of being near them. I want to be able to share silence. I want to be able to share a look. I want to gaze into familiar eyes outside as the sun sets, and make her smile without even saying a word. I just ... want.






Where are you?

Oh wow. Ever wake up and just feel... strangely different than usual? All floaty and ethereal?

I woke up and the sun was beaming in my window and so I didn't say anything I just kinda listened and watched... and all of a sudden, beck popped into my head. The anime, I mean. The whole mood of that show is coming in through my window right now. And parts of Rah Xephon, and even FLCL. I want to go to Japan and sit by the train tracks while listening to cicadas chirp and buzz and fall in love in the hot summer sun. Just laze around by the tracks and complain to my friends about how there's nothing to do, when really, we're all just content chilling around by the train tracks. There's always the one kid who wishes something interesting would happen for a change, and in anime that's when robots come out of a kid's face, or angels come down from the sky, or something. But I don't need that much excitement. I just want the love interest part of the storyline. I just wanna stay by those train tracks all summer.

I guess I really just want an anime girl. Not necessarily a Japanese girl... just someone who acts like she's just come out of an anime. Someone I can have sushi and drink ramune with. Someone I can watch hours and hours of Scryed and Orphen and Evangelion and Beck and all the others with. Someone I can sit by the train tracks with. *optimistic sigh* I'm pretty confident she's out there somewhere.

Come find me, anime girl, and we will fall in love this summer, I promise.