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Wed, May. 20th, 2009, 12:47 pm
Thoughts from a day that happened in my life

If there was a lake big enough for all my desires, its size would be measured in miles. My first thought was sixty thousand miles. Then I wondered if that was large enough to include the circumference of the earth. I looked it up.

Equatorially, the earth is 40,075.02 kilometres around. So yes. It is big enough.

How deep would it be? I couldn't remember how to calculate the radius and diameter from the circumference, so I looked that up too.

Hmm. Interesting. Geometrically measured the earth's diameter is 12,756.32 kilometers. However, if you measure the earth from pole to pole, about 41 kilometers shorter to be precise.

I sometimes wonder if there's vindictive literary critsism behind the logic of my phone's predictive text. Just now I typed "I'm just going to eat a can's worth of soup." When I typed "can's" it assumed I was wrong, but instead of correcting it to 'can is' or 'cans' or anything like that. It just deleted the apostrophe and the 's'. What did it think I typed those letters for? Is it trying to tell me that the value of what I have to say can be measured by the correctness of my contractions? Or rather, by it's measure of my correctness? Then I realized that I had personified, even demonized the spellchecking code all the way back to cupertino, when really those folks at apple were probably just trying to help.

But how far do their intentions travel, and how subject are they to my interpretations? Hmm.

Mon, May. 4th, 2009, 10:43 am
The things I think of/about

This one got a little bit explicit. But only a little teensy bit.

A short story I thought of today in the shower.Collapse )

Mon, Mar. 16th, 2009, 01:38 am
how about a haiku?

How about one?

Long green grass grows gray
In times of need they all say
Don't waste your water

Anybody feeling up to writing some Haikus?

Sun, Mar. 15th, 2009, 01:18 pm
A simpler world

I want to live in a simpler world

A world of rain, and thatch, and straw
Where a bucket is a problem solved
my enemy, the rainfall

I want to love in a simpler world

Where love was fought for, won, and earned
Not bought and sold and turned
into another product

I want to leave in a simpler world

Where the roads stretched on for good
The dirt and mud beneath our feet
measure my endless trudge

I want to live by sword and bow and plow

be measured by my worth, not what I own
I want to work for something tangible
not money in the bank.

I close my eyes to reach my simpler world

It stretches on forever, in my head
A better place for me to live, instead
I'd sacrifice it all.

Fri, Mar. 13th, 2009, 12:29 am

there is a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. like the feeling when you get caught doing something wrong. or the feeling you get when you realize you're about to fall and there's nothing you can do. the feeling you think a warm blanket could erase, but it doesn't and it won't. a horrible twisted tension like a cold fist. I keep starting to cry and then going back to work. I feel so isolated, so out of control of my own actions. I know that nothing will come of me doing nothing, and yet I have so much trouble motivating myself to do anything. I feel like there's no right action to take. Like nothing will improve my situation. I'm just so sad. i'm just sad. i'm sick of metaphor i'm just so fucking sad. I want this feeling to go away. I worry about so much and then do nothing about it. I think maybe I should go to the doctors. or maybe a shrink. but I don't want them to tell anyone anything. I have trouble trusting now. and I hate that. I used to be so free with my trust. what the fuck. shouldn't wanting to be happy just make you happy?

Wed, Mar. 11th, 2009, 12:17 am

rain rain go away
these puddles look suspiciously like blood

tilt up the end of your street and watch it all run down the concrete
into your town like a viscous blanket
a comforting red flood

rain rain go away
you never did me any good

oh how I wanted you, so many dry hot days

but now you deliver the cold
straight into my bones
like a subcutaneous delivery truck

squeezing through my pores like tunnels in the rock

the trees don't look any happier
the trees don't look less thirsty
the trees are all dead

winter's almost over

but the trees are still fucking dead

i wanted salt water to grab me

a wet tortilla shell
and i'm the beans.

but you're too fresh
a thousand drops to drink.

turtle shell
turtle neck
turtle head tucked in

hide from the hawks and the cars and the foxes and whatever else
hide from david fucking attenborough

no one's arms are long enough for what I want them for
no one's checkbook is generous enough
to fund my procrastination

pluto is really far away
but I guess we're well on our way

unless it's just dirt on the lens

wooden floors
laminate boards
tennis courts

my feet thanked me for carpet.

brown glass seems pretty counter-productive

but nobody's stopped your reflection before.

start stop start stop start stop

just fucking start

Sun, Feb. 22nd, 2009, 05:28 am

I don't like hate. I never liked the expressing of hatred. I never saw the point. Isn't it better to love, after all? You might even say that I hate hatred. As paradoxical as that may sound it's made me realize things. I thought that I hate nothing, and that the things I didn't like just bothered me a bit. But it's made me into an overly apologetic, easily cowed, stammering idiot. Shutting off that emotion has stunted my creative outlets, held back my tongue in situations where i'd rather have been heard, and just kept far too many things to myself.

Well, i'm sick of it.

It's like having seen the world in only blues and greens, but no reds. I want to see red again.

Today I worked on a Bravofact from 3pm to 4:30am. It was exhausting. I did not get paid. I keep reminding myself "You have to do the free work to get the paid work." Which is true. But all the people i've met have just discouraged me from it. Not the working for free part, but more specifically what i'm doing. I usually end up on set as 1st or 2nd AC (assistant camera), the idea being that if I do enough AC'ing i'll be a camera operator one day. But I have no interest in being a DOP, and 90% of the time, the DOP is also the camera op. There's almost no one in the industry who just operates. Because nobody wants to let an operator film the scene they've worked so hard to light. I always thought that having an operator would lead to better specialization, and thus, better films. That way the DOP could light, and the Operator could op. Simple. They could both be good at what they like, and because the DOPs would have less to do, they'd be better at what they were doing.

The point is-I learned today that I hate being an AC. I had never really thought about it before. But I don't want to spend the next 8 years measuring the distance from the focal plane to the subject's eye. I don't want to change lenses and pull focus until I finally earn the dubious 'privilege' of being an operator. There'll be no work for me anyway!

I'm not working on other people's crap anymore. I'm going to make my own damn films.

I hate being an AC!!!!

Feels good.

I decided not to go back to set tomorrow. On the one hand, I feel like i'm throwing away an opportunity to get in with a good crowd of people. On the other hand.... that's not the life I want at all. I've got to figure my shit out though.... I really want to go back to school. I kind of want to be a marine biologist. That way I can scuba dive and film underwater, which is something i've wanted to do since I was 13.

Why it's taken me this long to realize that one is beyond me.

Mon, Feb. 2nd, 2009, 10:49 am
A hard line to draw

I haven't been having dreams lately, which at first made me nervous, and since has just made me a bit sad. I think dreams are the manifestation of desires and anxiety, and without those, you lose a large part of your identity. And I always tended to hang on to my dreams. They were stories, and places, vocabularies, friends. Anyway, I had a dream the other night that I remember, and it was very exciting. Not that the dream was exciting, mind you, but that it was exciting to HAVE a dream such as this.

Then again, it depends on your definition of excitement.

So i'm in North Korea, on a very rigidly structured government tour, except that i'm not with a tour group, it's just me and my guide and driver. I've befriended the driver and guide, to a degree, and have convinced them I don't intend to paint the KWP in a bad light with my photographs, and so they allow me more freedom. They take me, in the car to the eastern coast of North Korea, an area normally not open to foreigners. Here, i'm allowed to stay in the home of a native North Korean peasant, he invites me in and says I can stay the night, in this traditional North Korean home, an honour unlike any other. Now, North Korean males smoke like chimneys, so cigarettes are a traditional gift to them from tourists, as a tip, or thank you. I don't smoke, so I have none on me, but the man whose house we are staying in, he invites me to have a cigarette with him so we can talk.

Now, i've never smoked a cigarette in my life, and i'm very pleased that i've managed not to smoke in almost 22 years. But this is my question-

This sort of opportunity presents itself once in a lifetime. Sometimes less often. Making a connection with someone real, a real inhabitant of this country that fascinates me, and someone who's outside the very structured, specific tour that i've been on. Not to mention that, if we're caught this far off the beaten path, I could be in trouble with the North Korean government, because foreigners are only allowed in specific areas.

So -at what point does the expanse of the opportunity outweigh the importance of your morals? Having a cigarette is a very strange in-between ground, because to some people, it may mean nothing, but that sort of trust is always determined differently by different people. So on the one hand, how important is the opportunity to the North Korean gentleman? Is it as exciting for him to make a connection with a foreigner as it is for you? On the other hand, at what point does an opportunity become 'worthy' of breaking your moral barrier? Let me give another example;

Let's say you're a vegetarian, with strong convictions about your health, and animal rights. If you were in Peru, and you were walking through the jungle, hacking a dull machete through the undergrowth, when suddenly you came across a small village of indigenous Peruvians who've been living here in isolation since the dawn of time. An old, withered, shamanistic gentleman approaches you and says something in his native tongue. Your guide (yes, you have a guide now) translates that he has offered you a traditional welcome, where you will be an honored guest of the people. However, it includes an ancient ceremony in which they eat meat. Your guide assures you that to refuse is unheard of, and you may lose a unique opportunity to befriend and connect with these beautiful, mysterious people. What do you do?

Now, that example is a little more extreme, and in such a case, I believe people, when faced with a once in a lifetime opportunity, are open to the idea of throwing their morals and convictions to the wind. But at what point does it become a valid choice? How significant must the opportunity be? When do you draw the line?

And let's say you cast your morals to the wind; when faced with a second opportunity, how similar must it be to the first to remove your doubt? Or rather, to INCREASE your apprehension about abandoning your morals? Let's say you're with a second indigenous tribe (unlikely, but you never do know, do you?) Do you refuse them, on the grounds that you've broken your rule once, so it must be never again? Or do you accept with less resistance, citing the first incident as 'permission' for you to act the same way again? How isolated from modern man must the indigenous tribe be before their feelings and traditions become more important than your own personal convictions?

I feel like if I were to ever discover a niche of people like that, I would have an introspective self-analytical breakdown, and just get caught in a loop of discussion, confusing the old man, offending his people and disgracing myself.

And yet, that's another variable, isn't it?

Thu, Jan. 1st, 2009, 03:13 pm
A New Year

It's like a breath of fresh air. 2009. We're one step closer to living in the Sci-Fi year of 2010! I wonder what people will do, will it be Twenty-ten? or Two-thousand-ten? I guess we'll find out then. But first we've got '09 to deal with. Last year on January first I filled out a list of my favourite things, in a hotel room in New Jersey. Today, I sit in my room at home, with a huge pile of musical equipment downstairs, in the aftermath of an excellent new years party, and I intend to see how much the list has changed over the course of 2008.

Favourite Bands - Nine Inch Nails, Soul Coughing, Queens of the Stone Age

Song - Impossible to pick.

Place - Japan.

local place - The Woods at the top of the hill.

human - That's a ridiculous question.

Food - Taco Bell :)

Memory of this year - Going to Vancouver, doing Handstands in Florida

Pastime - Movie watching / Playing my Bass / cooking breakfast

Quote - "Collinsky! Oh, hi mom."

Colours- Azure, Velvet & Metallic Red, Black, dark green.

Scents-Cinnamon, wood dust from sanding, smoky concert venues, the first day of spring, porridge, gasoline.

Animals-Emu, Daschund, Nautilus, Sharks, Whale Sharks, Alpacas, Giant Squid, Colossal Squid, Goliath Bird-Eater Tarantula, Hawks.

Flowers- Trilliums. And little cactus flowers.

Trees- Japanese maple, Giant Redwood, and those crazy cannibalistic australian trees. Also Bonsai.

Drink- Organic Juice, Fountain Drinks, Limeaid, Apple Cider, Bubble Tea

Fruit-Honeydew, Pear, Banana, Blueberry, Blackberry, Papaya.

Veggie-Onions, peppers, crisp lettuce, cucumbers,

Actors-Choi Min-Sik, Kang Ho-Song, Gary Oldman, Jean Reno, Alan Rickman, Christian Bale, Ricky Gervais, Hugo Weaving, Paulo Costanzo, Jason Bateman, Larry David, Michael Cera. I'm sure there's more...

Movies-Oldboy, The Host, Memories of Murder, Man on Fire, I'm a Cyborg but that's okay

Upon finishing this list I've realize that I can hardly attribute the changes I went through this year to the altering of a simple list of likes. My individual likes and dislikes are probably what changed the least. I'm not going to up and stop liking a certain movie, you know? I dunno what seemed like a good idea at the time I think i've outgrown. But I've realized a few things that I want over this year.

I want less stuff- as in, I want to get rid of extraneous junk I have around my house and have a nice clear meditative spot to play sitar and bass in. I want to get some cacti for my room too.

I want to be self-sufficient- as in, I want to make enough money to be able to pay for everything I need, gas, food, rent, etc. So that I can move out, and make my own way.

I want to travel- I had so many travel plans for 2008 that didn' get followed through on because I didn't make enough money. Pretty weak.

I want to be healthier- I became a vegetarian a few months ago, but I want to go to the gym, or take Marshall arts, something to stay active, and be healthy.

That's all I really want from 2009. I think it has potential to be a good year. I've just gotta get my shit together.

Thu, Dec. 25th, 2008, 05:47 pm

I was going to write some long-winded post about christmas and how i'm sick of long discussions about wine and scotch and cognac (of which I have no interest in) but I could feel the motivation drain out of my arms when I lifted them up. My neck really hurts, I think I need to go to the chiropractor. Christmas is over at least.

I feel terrible.

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